Perimenopause Here I Come

Yes the title speak it all. But first I need to give a little insight on all of this. After giving birth was to my second child I was told to have a tubal because of my seizure disorder. I was told that it was too risky for me to have any more kids and that OB doctor in their right mind would even take me on as a patient if I decided to have kids. So the day I went in for this procedure I told the doctor that I was having some pain and she reassured me that while she was doing the procedure that she would look around. Later on she told my mother and husband that she found nothing. 2 years later the pain returned. I went back to my OB/GYN d.r. and after several tests and nothing was found she decided to do a lap where she found Endometriosis. She said she could not believe that after finding nothing 2 years prior I was covered. She had only given me one option at that point and that was to have a partial Hysterectomy. So that following August that is what I had done. I was told that since I would still have my ovaries that I would not have any symptoms. Wrong! I got hot flashes and other things I wish not to discuss on here. The only good thing that came out of this is My Neurologist thinks that my seizures are hormonal and have been under control for the most part since I have had this done. So a year goes by and nothing. Last July I go to Conv. Care for a UTI and am treated and then start having pain. I have to follow up w/ my primary after that. She decides to run every test in the book and nothing. I am in so much pain by the end of the week I am sent to the ER. They run every test on me and still nothing. Finally I am sent to my OB/GYN who feels like there is not much that she can do. I just leave that clinic all together. I end up establishing with a new primary dr. at a different clinic and she refers me to a new Gyn and I finally saw her in Oct. After talking to her she felt as if my Intermediaries had returned. Me being stupid had not done a lot of research before my Hysterectomy and did not know that if I still had my Ovaries that it could still return. So the decision was made to put me on birth control and go from there. So that was in Oct. By the end of Oct. I was fine and it was working. By the beginning of this month I was miserable. I was having the pain again and it was just as intense. I went back today to see the doctor again. She decided to give me an injection of Lupron. Which will put me into Peri menopause. It will make my Ovaries stop working. It has some nasty side effects but it will stop the Endomieotriosis from forming. This will last for a month. If I feel it is working and I am okay with it I will go back in a minth for another injection and these will last for 3 months. She will also give me just enough estrogen to help with the nasty side effects. This is the last resort. If this does not work I will have to have my ovaries removed and I will go into full menopause. I feel at this point I am way too young and there are way too many risks that go along. Not to mention I am not looking forward to what is going to go along with this shot let along having my ovaries removed. So I am praying this works. I guess the first few days are really hard. The dr. explained that while my ovaries are shutting down there is a lot of pain involved. Ughh not looking forward to that

Why I am so angry?

Tonight has been a really depressing night. Two of the little boys I have been following on that have Cancer have earned their wings. Well that is the polite way of saying it. But I am angry tonight so saying it bluntly they have died. Dante was 2 and had Neuroblastoma. He was put on Hospice last month but they were still giving him radiation because the tumor that had returned behind his eye and his parents wanted him to be able to see for Christmas.He died this morning just all of a sudden. It was so weird because we had just heard from his mom last night. Now we had known that he was retaining a lot of water and was not eating but did not know how sudden it was going to be. Then there is little Coleman. He was diagnosed with Neuroblastoma at the age of 2. Him and his twin brother just turned 5 last month. Things were going well for him until Nov. when something showed up on one of his scans. His mom is a saint. She has so many videos and pics of the boys. And they have done so much together. On 12/23 they did this Polar Express thing nearby their house and then on 12/24 things where fine and then all of a sudden Coleman's speech started slurring and he started drooling. They took him to the ER. After that they brought him back home and eventually on Christmas day he was airlifted to a hospital but made a recovery. But was sent home on Hospice. On New Years Eve He they could not get his pain under control and was sent to the Hospice house. He died at 10:45 last night. Once again it was sudden. I guess I am just angry because it was a kid. Does it have to do with my child? Somewhat. My child is not as serious as these two but her condition may at one point get serious. Never that serious but it will get serious. Plus we fell in love with these boys especially Coleman. Several families did. When you have a child that ill it happens. You come together and form a bond. When Nicole was at the Infusion clinic getting all of her infusions there were kids with all forms of Cancer and blood disorders getting all kinds of treatments. And as parents we stuck together and made sure we got breaks, or got a meal, and had small talk. We formed a family. And the worse part of all of this. I have not had the heart to tell Nicole. Nicole went to bed happy as can be. Her Make a Wish granter called tonight so that we could meet. How could I spoil that? She deserved to be happy for once. And how do I tell her? So I will close with a pic of Nicole I am sure many of you have seen this. It is a pic of when she spent her bday in her hospital. Just a reminder of what these kids go through everyday.

These past couple of weeks have proved to be very hard for our family recently. This last one in particular. When you become a parent it is weeks like these it makes you realize you have no idea what you were getting yourself into. Now as I am typing this I am finding it very hard to do so for several reasons. As most of you all know Nicole of course has been dealing w/ a chronic disease for almost a year now. I had no idea how much it was going to affect her mentally as well as physically. Lat year she missed so much of school that the problems that the girls were facing she did not have to deal w/. This year oh my gosh it hit her like a train. Girls can they be mean. There have been so many things going on and she has been telling me little things on and off and I have been listening but trying to let her deal w/ these problems on her own. There has been a boy who started just teasing her at the beginning of the year but now the teasing has progreassed to hitting and he even tore up a paor of her shoes. Now we have all gone through 5th grade and have all tried to prove our dominance in some sort. But on Thurs Nicole came home and finally told me that she just feels lost and that she feels as if she has no interest in school anymore. She is so angry. She is not the same person anymore. I just don't where to begin w/ all of this. She feels that her friends aren't the same anymore. And there have even been some comments made about her illness. Hasn't this girl been through enough? When talking to her teacher about this a comment was made that she thought that she did not think that Nicole was disliked. Is it because Nicole is tired of the stupid fights and does nto want to be a part of all of it? Is it because she does not fit in like that? And maybe I am stepping on toes here but I am so tired of all of this. I know that some of this cattiness happens and I expect it but I refuse for the bullying to happen.

Oh what a week. There have been so many things building up in my life right now. The anniversary of my sister's death is coming up, I have been dealing w/ some health issues myself, the normal things going on w/ Nicole & Danielle is showing some signs of struggling in school. There are so more on the list that for some reason I don't feel comfortable talking about. By Thursday I got frustrated w/ some things happening at work and I just lost it by the time I got home. There were tears and even yelling at Rick. I just could not wait for the week to end.So my mom called last night and wanted to know if I wanted to take the girls to a little festival that was going on here in town today. I just agreed thinking in my mind that I just wanted to crawl in a hole and hide from everyone and everything. SO we get up and go this morning. And what a surprise to see me enjoying myslef. And why? To see Nicole laugh as much as she did. I am sure by now that nost of you know that Nicole was diagonosed w/ Crohn's last Jan. Well she has been so sick to really be happy. This awful disease has consumed her little body. And then these nasty meds that she is on has turned her into a monster. You just never know what type of reaction you are going to get from this child. There are times that she will just break down in tears for no reason or she will scream at you, throw things, and slam her door. To see this child laugh and enjoy herself was the best thing that a mother can expirience. And I just hope that we will be able to see the old Nicole more often.

Is it just me or is my daughter improving?

Yes I know I just got done blogging about my youngest who has a form of Autism and her meltdowns. But wait there may be a light at the end of that tunnel. See when Danielle was first diagnosed she was also diagnosed with tactile defensiveness. She could not stand to be touched and she hated loud noises. One of my fears during school was the tornado drills and fire drills. I warn the staff at her school every year that she needs to be prepared before a drill. But later on I came to realize something,what if there was a real fire or real tornado? You cannot prepare her for that. So at one of the IEP meetings the subject of social stories came up. The idea about social stories is to talk to the person with Autism about certain things that could happen and how to handle them. So that day I go home and I discussed with Danielle about how she would handle this situation. J ust a couple of days ago I was dropping my oldest off back at the school we were confronted by the school social worker telling us that we missed all the excitement. Apparently there was a small fire in the lunch room and the alarms went off and the fire trucks came. I was told that Danielle was fine so I left it at that. I had forgotten all about it until I was putting Danielle to bed. But when I remembered I asked her how she did. Her reply was" Mom the alarms were so loud and so were the firetrucks but I just followed directions and things were okay." I could not believe what I was hearing. Normally when things get overwhelming Danielle likes to run away from the situation. But not this time. I continued with telling her how proud I was of her.This was a huge accomplishment. So even though I know there will be several meltdowns to conquer I can now be somewhat relieved that Danielle is thriving out in the world even when I am not around to help her. So for all those parents out there who have Autistic children you have to know that there is hope. With some help our children can live close to normal lives.

Meltdowns

Oh what a night. This week was the start of the new school year. Of course as for any parent it is always hectic. I on the other hand had some extra things to deal with. First of all since Nicole has Crohn's I had to go in and take care of some extra things at the school to make sure her medical needs are met while she is there. And with Danielle the beginning of the school year is always so hard on her. We always go in before school starts to meet the new teacher and have her get acclimated to the new classroom. So the first day goes well. But now tonight is a different story. I am already dealing with some medical issues with Nicole.I found out last week that she is iron deficient and they want to put her back on oral iron. Talk about frustrating. We have been down this road already and it did not work. She needs infusions again. The poor girl could not stay awake on the way home from school yesterday. And this morning I spent 30 min. trying to wake her and when she got out into the living room she fell asleep again. Then I get the girls home and Danielle is completely overwhelmed. She has a meltdown while she is in the tub.Rick and I spent about 30 min. just trying to get her calmed down long enough to wash. And then she would not get out of the tub because she thought we were mad at her. I can't not wait for this week to be over with. I prepare myself for this every school year but I am never ready for any of her major meltdowns. We seem to hear the same stuff from her. About how we are bad parents and how mean we are. I am physically and emotionally exhausted. The problem is that Danielle has learned to hold everything in while she is at school and is so overwhelmed by the time that she gets home that she can no longer control her actions. And at that point I have to remind myself that she cannot help it. Am I a bad mom for getting frustrated? We have plans in place for her on how she can cope with this but nothing for us. The only thing I can do is cry afterwards and pull myself back together when she is around again. So it is now all over and I just wait for the next one to happen and hope we can pull her through it again.

Okay so I am really upset. My oldest has been going through a rough summer. A girl in our neighborhood has been harassing her for the last couple of weeks. Now this same girl used to make fun of my youngest and I put a stop to it. We first started having a problem with her when she would come over to our house telling Nicole that her mom and sister left her alone and she did not have anything to eat. So Nicole was sneaking into our house and bringing her food. Well I felt bad for the girl but if she was really left alone I did not want to be involved in any way so I put a stop tp all of this. So now she goes down to another girl's house just down the street from us. Well Nicole goes down there to play also. When the mom is not around this girl continues to pick on her until Nicole comes home crying. I finally called this mom and she tried to assure me that none of that was going on. So just yesterday Nicole gets this email from another girl that lives nearby saying that she can no longer talk to Nicole because this girl giving Nicole problems told her the real truth of what is going on. So anyways I finally got ahold of this mom and she first apologized but preceded to lecture me on why my girls should not be on the Internet. Some nerve. Nicole has an email address through gmail. Now it took me awhile to let her have it but I monitor her and this is the first time she has ever had a problem. And why lecture me when this lady's daughter was over at the other girl's house when this email was sent and had something to do with it? And these girls are only 9 and 10 and they are already starting to go through this? So what next? I have been told by both moms that they tend to let their kids try to work out their problems with their friends and that I was butting in too much. I tried to let them work it out but when my daughter is being harassed that is when I draw the line. What is wrong with parents these days? I am far from perfect and I am not saying my girls are perfect. I know Nicole can be mean sometimes. But if I ever found out that she was harassing anyone that would be it for her. When we moved into this neighborhood 11 years ago it was not too bad. Now I can't wait to get out of here. I know that my girls have to learn to deal with things. But come on. Now I know why kids are being treated for depression at an early age. In a way I do feel bad for this girl because I feel she has been abandoned in some way. But that is no reason for her actions outside of the home.So I know I am going on and thanks for anyone who is reading this for listening. I would like other parents thoughts on this. Am I wrong for thinking this way. And what is so wrong for being overprotective of my kids?